Fry Hipster Swine

There is a disease plaguing the northeast, a pandemic some might say. As every day passes I fear that it may lead to the ultimate demise of the human species leaving behind only a genetically weaker subhuman facsimile that many may not even recognize as less than human until it is too late. This disease seems to pray on those who come from privilege. Those who were supposed to have the upbringing and education to lead our race into a prosperous future, alas it would seem the debilitating effects of this pandemic will render that a most unlikely outcome.

The effects of this pandemic cause Caucasians of no lower than a middle class background to move into poorer ethnic neighborhoods raising the rents in said neighborhoods all the while complaining about gentrification. Whilst these sub-humans like to talk about wearing clothes and facial hair ironically they seem to be misinformed of the true meaning of the word. They are often seen at shitty little hole in the wall bars that water down their whiskey, wearing designer clothes that are made to look old and inexpensive, listening to whatever the flavor of the month music is playing on the i-pod, downloading new apps for their i-phones while drinking cheap beer and not tipping the bartender.

They are vermin, pestilence carrying rodents that live in colonies. These are the able bodied young fucks that are seen all over lower Manhattan asking for change. I confronted a young lady on 2nd ave just a couple weeks back as she asked me for change while on my way to work. “You’re an attractive young girl” I said “why don’t you just clean yourself up and go get a job waiting tables” she looked at me as if I was speaking in tongues “If you do I will personally go to where ever you work every weekend for a month and leave you a fifty dollar tip” I say her only response is that of a dog that just heard a noise that confused it.

It is obvious that the speech center of her brain had been turned to mush by this plague. She was left with only a miniscule vocabulary which seemed to center around the word change. The worst thing about this waste of DNA was that she and dreadlocked Caucasian boyfriend, whose name is probably Dylan or Troy, are taking their loyal canine companion down with them.

It is not the swine flu that will bring about the end of humanity as we know it however the proliferation of hipster swine very well may. I fear that it is too late for a simple quarantine to halt the progress of the disease. It is not passed on like most diseases through human to human contact but through the internet and via cell phones. Look around you America; look at your high schools, your college campuses and your organic coffee houses. This disease is spreading and fast.

It is my hope that a vaccination can be found otherwise the only hope is to have a giant hipster swine roast. If we do nothing and this plague continues to consume more of humanity the non-tipping epidemic will continue until the bartender is an endangered species and eventually we will be left with only shitty bars that serve just Papst Blue Ribbon and watered down whiskey.

Never let it be said that you were not warned.

America Grow the Fuck Up.

We are a nation of children screaming loudly as if trying to gain the attention of an absentee parental figure. A nation raised by the television and made to believe that the boogie man (in the guise of drugs, terrorists, naked people or monogamous homosexual couples) is hiding under the bed preparing to nibble on our souls until we are all damned to the infernal pits of hell turning to ash faster than a joint at PHISH concert.

We are an under read, uninterested, overmedicated and frightened group of consumers trying to fill the emptiness of our daily lives with whatever we are told will bring us a mere moment of pleasure. We have become vacuous excuses for sentient beings. Yes these are bold statements of a dystopian reality which in my opinion bears far to close of a resemblance to the writings of Bradbury, Orwell and Huxley than humanity should.

This is how I see much of the world and I choose to lay the blame for our societal failures where it belongs on the American people themselves. It is time for America to Grow the Fuck Up and act like responsible adults. Why are we the only western industrialized nation without an effected Health Care Policy? Because we as a people are children who refuse to think for themselves and believing whatever horror stories we are told. We are a nation that blindly consumes anti-depressants because we feel dissatisfied with our lives as opposed to the mature thing to do if you are dissatisfied and change.

We choose to focus on unimportant easy to understand issues as opposed to trying to educate ourselves on anything that actually makes a difference in our lives. Out of fear we will throw billions of dollars away fighting a war on drugs while spending billions of dollars consuming mood altering substances created in a laboratory. We want to be a nation of free people but will gladly give up our freedoms in order to feel safer.

I realize that so far it would seem that I am only bashing the right nothing I assure you can be further from the truth. I find the left to be an even more contemptuous group than the right if for no other reason than they consider themselves to be more enlightened and educated than the right. Only a group of self important, arrogant and out of touch political neophytes would, in an election year, move the conversation from the unpopular policies of an incumbent president on the economy and a war to the issue of “Homosexual Marriage”. As someone with a strong democratic voting record I am embarrassed by the lefts intolerance of those who disagree with them even more than I am angered by the intolerance on the right.

But I digress, the topics that will be covered in this blog will focus on how irresponsible, illogical and immature we are as a nation. Let us not blame the school systems, the politicians, television, movies, or music. The blame lies squarely on the shoulders of the American people who choose to behave like lesser beings. The freedoms that I so boldly support include most of all the freedom of choice. I do not believe for one minute that there is anyone out there who has been forced into such a venal existence. People have the freedom of choice. They can choose to take a real interest in the world around them or they can choose to live an empty life sustained by reality television and designer drugs.

I hope that those of you who read this will find it entertaining and a bit insightful. In no way do I believe that a blog can change the world but I do think that it can entertain, provide a sense of catharsis and maybe, just maybe get the reader to think for a moment before they pop their next Soma.