Fry Hipster Swine

There is a disease plaguing the northeast, a pandemic some might say. As every day passes I fear that it may lead to the ultimate demise of the human species leaving behind only a genetically weaker subhuman facsimile that many may not even recognize as less than human until it is too late. This disease seems to pray on those who come from privilege. Those who were supposed to have the upbringing and education to lead our race into a prosperous future, alas it would seem the debilitating effects of this pandemic will render that a most unlikely outcome.

The effects of this pandemic cause Caucasians of no lower than a middle class background to move into poorer ethnic neighborhoods raising the rents in said neighborhoods all the while complaining about gentrification. Whilst these sub-humans like to talk about wearing clothes and facial hair ironically they seem to be misinformed of the true meaning of the word. They are often seen at shitty little hole in the wall bars that water down their whiskey, wearing designer clothes that are made to look old and inexpensive, listening to whatever the flavor of the month music is playing on the i-pod, downloading new apps for their i-phones while drinking cheap beer and not tipping the bartender.

They are vermin, pestilence carrying rodents that live in colonies. These are the able bodied young fucks that are seen all over lower Manhattan asking for change. I confronted a young lady on 2nd ave just a couple weeks back as she asked me for change while on my way to work. “You’re an attractive young girl” I said “why don’t you just clean yourself up and go get a job waiting tables” she looked at me as if I was speaking in tongues “If you do I will personally go to where ever you work every weekend for a month and leave you a fifty dollar tip” I say her only response is that of a dog that just heard a noise that confused it.

It is obvious that the speech center of her brain had been turned to mush by this plague. She was left with only a miniscule vocabulary which seemed to center around the word change. The worst thing about this waste of DNA was that she and dreadlocked Caucasian boyfriend, whose name is probably Dylan or Troy, are taking their loyal canine companion down with them.

It is not the swine flu that will bring about the end of humanity as we know it however the proliferation of hipster swine very well may. I fear that it is too late for a simple quarantine to halt the progress of the disease. It is not passed on like most diseases through human to human contact but through the internet and via cell phones. Look around you America; look at your high schools, your college campuses and your organic coffee houses. This disease is spreading and fast.

It is my hope that a vaccination can be found otherwise the only hope is to have a giant hipster swine roast. If we do nothing and this plague continues to consume more of humanity the non-tipping epidemic will continue until the bartender is an endangered species and eventually we will be left with only shitty bars that serve just Papst Blue Ribbon and watered down whiskey.

Never let it be said that you were not warned.