You couldn't be more wrong, Lisa. If I didn't have this gun, the King of England could just walk in here any time he wants, and start shoving you around

This not being a moment in which levity is appropriate I will leave only the Simpsons interpretation of gun lovers as the only humor in this piece.

After the recent domestic incident involving Kansas City Chiefs linebacker Jovan Belcher Bob Costas went on the air and in paraphrasing a column by Jason Whitlock commented that Belcher infant child wouldn't be an orphan if Belcher didn't have a handgun. This met with outcry from gun enthusiasts. Earlier this week there was an incident in which a young man shot three people, killing two, before committing suicide in a mall in Oregon. This was apparently brought on by a recent break up. At least two more people would be alive and 15 year old girl wouldn't have been forced to go through the trauma of being shot while Christmas shopping.

Now today we have Newton Connecticut. A mass shooting at an elementary school. I will not mince words how can anyone with any semblance of intelligence tell the parents of those children who were murdered and those who will be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder that the we shouldn't limit access to hand guns. The murder weapons that have been discovered were a Sig Sauer and a Glock.

If you try quoting the second amendment to me stop right now. The intent of the second amendment was to protect the states from the federal government as it expressly pointed out by the first line of it being "A Well Regulated Militia...." this means what we would call today the national guard as well as state and local police.  It was not intended to give any jackass who wants access to fire arms the right to have them. At the time it was written firearms were muzzle loading muskets not 20 cartridge semi-automatic pistols.

And don't try telling me that if we limit access to hand guns only criminals will have them. If you think that handguns are necessary for protection tell me one person you know who defended themselves with a handgun. Criminals don't make a habit of breaking into homes when people are home. It is a fact that a gun owner is exponentially more likely to kills a family member than an intruder.

The days of the wild west are over. There is no reason to have easy access to firearms, if you think otherwise please go to Newton Connecticut walk into the elementary school where 27 people were slaughtered and say that. If you believe in easy access to firearms you should have no problem doing just that.

How the Mayans saved Christmas

In this time of credit downgrades and fiscal cliffs the holiday season isn't looking very merry, but stress not for a hero is coming to rescue the season from the financial Grinch. In the nick of time as if straight out of a 1960's claymation special here come the Mayans!

Now you are probably saying to yourself "Self, what do the Mayans have to do with Christmas?". Well I am about to tell you. You see that the Mayan Calender supposedly ends on December 21st, 2012 (the fact that the Mayans forgot to include leap days in renders this point moot but I'll still roll with it) and December 21st is the Friday before Christmas. Now what do all good red blooded Americans do to celebrate the apocalypse? Do they spend time with their loved ones in a group hug like at the end of a Frank Capra movie? Of course not, all good red blooded, god fearing Americans take to the streets in a drunken orgy worthy of Caligula's palace on a Sunday afternoon.

Next Friday the bars in your city will make St. Patrick's day look like Mormon spring break. People will be partying like it's on sale for 19.99 and there is no tomorrow. The bar tabs will be high and so will the tips. Not because anyone really believes that the world is ending but because, it's a damn good excuse.

This will interject cold hard cash into the economy, a lot of which will find it's way into bartenders tip jars and strippers g-strings. As we all know Bartenders and Strippers aren't known for saving their hard earned money. This windfall will immediately be put right back into the economy as they will purchase their Christmas gifts, buy booze and for a good percentage help finance your local drug dealers Christmas party.

So when last minute retail sales are up and we all have a merry Christmas make sure you sacrifice a virgin in manner that will honor the Mayans that saved our holidays. Tim Tebow you have been warned.