How the Mayans saved Christmas

In this time of credit downgrades and fiscal cliffs the holiday season isn't looking very merry, but stress not for a hero is coming to rescue the season from the financial Grinch. In the nick of time as if straight out of a 1960's claymation special here come the Mayans!

Now you are probably saying to yourself "Self, what do the Mayans have to do with Christmas?". Well I am about to tell you. You see that the Mayan Calender supposedly ends on December 21st, 2012 (the fact that the Mayans forgot to include leap days in renders this point moot but I'll still roll with it) and December 21st is the Friday before Christmas. Now what do all good red blooded Americans do to celebrate the apocalypse? Do they spend time with their loved ones in a group hug like at the end of a Frank Capra movie? Of course not, all good red blooded, god fearing Americans take to the streets in a drunken orgy worthy of Caligula's palace on a Sunday afternoon.

Next Friday the bars in your city will make St. Patrick's day look like Mormon spring break. People will be partying like it's on sale for 19.99 and there is no tomorrow. The bar tabs will be high and so will the tips. Not because anyone really believes that the world is ending but because, it's a damn good excuse.

This will interject cold hard cash into the economy, a lot of which will find it's way into bartenders tip jars and strippers g-strings. As we all know Bartenders and Strippers aren't known for saving their hard earned money. This windfall will immediately be put right back into the economy as they will purchase their Christmas gifts, buy booze and for a good percentage help finance your local drug dealers Christmas party.

So when last minute retail sales are up and we all have a merry Christmas make sure you sacrifice a virgin in manner that will honor the Mayans that saved our holidays. Tim Tebow you have been warned.