Get Off of My Lawn: Staples Employees

Once again Grow the Fuck Up is proud to bring you the rants of the Angry Old Man.

Since against my better judgement I agreed to write for this damn internet thing I made my grandson take me to buy one of those laptop computers all the kids are talking about this week. Let me tell you something I am damn retiree whose idea of modern technology is a catalytic converter and I am more qualified to sell computers than those dumb asses at Staples.

How in the hell are these people even employed? I used to think that this whole internet thing was a bad idea but now I know for sure that anything that allows me to purchase products without dealing with these morons is a good thing. They have zero people skills, they cannot speak in complete sentences and they don't even know a damn thing about the products they are selling.

How someone who wants to "ax" me a question can try and talk down to me as if I don't know what I am buying is beyond me. Oh they know how to push the extended warranties and protection packages that make multilevel marketing seem like a wise way to spend money but they don't know a damn thing about computers.

My grandson tells me that these idiots think that they are underpaid. Underpaid for being rude? Underpaid for being uninformed? What the hell are they talking about. Back in my day these jackasses would have starved to death but my kids generation is made up of a bunch of pussies who feel bad about doing well so they coddle these subhumans. Just showing up for work is worthy of getting paid. You are there to assist customers do your damn job well and then you can complain about being underpaid.

I cannot stand the halfwits that pass for Americans these days. At least I still have a good butcher, speaking of which I have to go pick up a couple of steaks and turn on the grill before I sit down and watch this watered down version of Football that is passing for sports these days. Who the hell worries about concussions? Rub some dirt on it and get back in the game you pussies!

Upset About the NSA's Information Gathering? If So Get Off of My Lawn!

In the years since Andy Rooney''s passing Sunday nights have been missing commentary from cranky old men. The staff of Grow the Fuck Up has come up with a way to remedy this situation. We are proud to announce the debut of our newest column "Get Off of My Lawn" with an angry old man whose identity will be kept secret to ensure that those young people who disagree with him do stay off of his lawn. Angry old man take it away.

Angry Old Man

I am getting sick and tired of hearing all these people whining about the government storing data they put up on the internet themselves. Now these jackasses are trying to make a hero out some little geek who sold out his country and is now hanging out with Ivan. I didn't take shrapnel in the ass while serving my country during the Korean to have my safety put at risk. Let alone put at risk by some idiot who gave up this girl that was far out of his league to make himself feel important.

(editors note: Lindsay Mills if you are reading this, call us)

What these dumbasses who are trying to make a hero out of this Snowden guy don't understand is that nothing put on the internet nor sent as a text message on a cell phone is private. Privacy only extends to conversations that cannot be seen or heard by a third party. The technology of the internet and cell phones alone renders this an impossibility. My grandson who makes a living on this internet thing posting pictures of something called a Bieber assures me that this internet thing is here to stay. He is usually correct about these things so you all better get used having your every thought readily available to anyone who wants to read it.

The real kicker is that, again according to my grandson, all this information is being collected by the owners of these websites and communications companies anyway. What are you saying that is so damn important that you are worried that someone in the government might hear or read it? If the NSA foils a sex trafficking organization because of this data collection program I bet you dumbasses won't be complaining then.

As for listening in on cellphones that same grandson of mine used to use his parents cordless phone to listen in on conversations the neighbors were having. If that dumbass could do that back in 1988 than what the hell makes you people think cell phones are secure. If you don't want people to hear what you are saying then don't say it. Hell even those idiots in Hollywood knew this in the early 1990's 

What damn movie is that? Is that the one with that guy from that movie that had the song by those guys who who sing like broads? How come they don't make good movies anymore? What happened to Casablanca's of the world? You know what happened all you damn young people have such attention spans because of this internet thing my grandson keeps telling me about. Wait a minute am I writing this for that damned internet? God damnit where the hell is my scotch?

(editors note: The angry old man walked away and is now watching John Wayne movies while drinking scotch. We will let him be for now. Make sure to check back next week for the next edition of Get Off of My Lawn)