The Hot Seat: Wayne takes Mark Sanchez on a field trip to the NASDAQ

On Thursday August 22, 2013 Coach Fontes along with his companions Mark Sanchez, Terry Taylor and Scott Mitchell were detained outside of the NASDAQ the following police report was filed

Mr. Fontes, after having spent the weekend in New York to cover the Jets preseason game with Jaguars, struck up a friendship with Mark Sanchez. Mr. Fontes told the officers on scene that "Mark Sanchez reminds him a lot of Rodney Pete. He has that unique ability to be extremely mediocre and yet retain a NFL starting job longer than anyone ever would have imagined". Mr. Fontes went on to say that he and his friend and former player Terry Taylor bonded with Mr. Sanchez during a night out after last weekends game. 

It was due to this bonding that Mr. Fontes and Mr. Taylor decided to help Mr. Sanchez in his bid to retain the Jets starting Quarterback position and enlisted the help of the NFL's passing yardage leader from 1995 a Mr. Scott Mitchell. On Monday Mr. Mitchell began tutoring Mr. Sanchez on the finer points of being an NFL Quarterback despite the misgivings of Jets head coach Rex Ryan. 

Mr. Mitchell explained to Mr. Sanchez that his biggest mistake while playing Quarterback is that he keeps his eyes open and down field when attempting to complete the passes. Mr. Mitchell went to proclaim that he was the originator of the close your eyes and throw deep offense that had won the Jets cross town rivals two Super Bowls in five years.

We don't understand how you won either

After this instruction Mr. Ryan was amazed with the results. Mr. Ryan told the police that visited the Jets facility later in the evening. "I really didn't think it was possible for Mark to get any worse and then he spends two days with Coach Fontes and Scott Mitchell. Next thing you know instead of passing flying over our receivers heads they are either skipping to them or making Dee Milliner look like Revis." Mr. Ryan went on to explain to Mr. Sanchez that if he kept associating with Mr. Fontes and Mr. Mitchell that Mr. Ryan would have no choice but to start Geno Smith this weekend.

Upon hearing this news Sanchez ran from the building crying proclaiming "You don't understand me like coach Fontes does". It was at this point that Mr. Sanchez reunited with Mr. Fontes et al. and they proceeded to attempt to take Mr. Sanchez's mind off of his troubles. Around noon on August 22nd the four of them entered the Condé Nast Building in Time Square carrying footballs. According to witnesses at approximately 12:30 p.m. on the 22nd of August Mr. Mitchell in an attempt to prove to Mr. Sanchez that his way threw a football to someone he mistook for a Herman Moore and was hit by an "Office Linebacker".

The attempted pass skipped past the trader that for some reason Mr. Mitchell assumed was a former teammate of his named Herman Moore and unplugged a computer. This caused the NASDAQ to be shut down for over three hours on Thursday. One of the NASDAQ traders who witnessed this grew up a Lions fan and was quoted as saying "I wish I could say that was the most damaging errant throw in Scott Mitchell's life but I know in my heart it wasn't" The traders name has been redacted for fear of reprisals for admitting he is a Lions fan.

This case is now being reviewed by the Securities and Exchange Commission to see if any charges can be filed against Mr. Fontes and Mr. Mitchell for the outage at the NASDAQ

"The Hot Seat" with Wayne Fontes

Grow the Fuck Up is proud to introduce our newest columnist specializing in breaking down the weeks NFL action The Detroit Lions modern era postseason winningest coach Wayne Fontes.

Take it away Wayne:

Wayne Fontes

The Preseason is great time of year it allows you to create Quarterback controversies and give your fans a false sense of enthusiasm about the season by going undefeated. Marv Levy never understood that always going winless in the preseason and look how that turned out for Buffalo. I always used to win Preseason games with my backup Quarterbacks and I will go down in history as the Detroit Lions greatest coach.

This weeks NFL preseason action kicks off with Detroit and Cleveland. This is the kind of game I understand. I like what Jim Schwartz has done here with the Lions built a high powered offense around a player who is so much better than anyone else at his position that he cannot be stopped. He also has a physically gifted and under achieving first round draft pick Quarterback who is backed up by a guy who had to go the community college route before becoming a winning Quarterback in the ACC and who would probably give the team better chance to win every week. This is exactly what I would have done if only Dave Levy didn't mouth off at that press conference in 1993.(editors note: Mr. Fontes is referring to when newly named offensive coordinator Dave Levy promoted Erik Kramer from the 3rd to 1st string at a press conference)

As for Cleveland they have Brandon Weeden at Quarterback who will turn 30 in his second season. This that's like having to win with an inexperienced Don Majkowski in 1995. The good thing is that expectations are so low that the coaching staff can easily keep their jobs by just upsetting the Ravens once this year. If there is one thing I know it's that nothing can save your career like defeating the defending Super Bowl Champions. 

On Friday I will be turning my attention to the Tampa Bay and New England game. I don't care much for Bill Belichick. Winning Super Bowls with a sixth round draft pick Quarterback who is married to sexy woman (The editorial staff of Grow the Fuck Up still believes that Bridget Moynahan is far better looking than Giselle and fails to understand Mr. Brady's actions in this matter. P.S. Bridget if you are reading this call us) that is not what you are supposed to do. When you draft a Quarterback in the sixth round who has a beautiful wife you are supposed to win just enough games to keep your job. Who wants the kind of pressure of winning championships?

I always have a soft spot for Tampa Bay after all that is where I got my start as an NFL coach and let me tell you good ole Wayne Fontes (pronounced Fotez in this instance) had a lot of fun in that town. I heard that Patriots Tight End Rob Gronkowski bought a house in the area. Gronk seems like Wayne's kind of guy. This game has to be the most important preseason which is why I am personally going to cover the game taking the Grow the Fuck Up corporate jet down to Tampa tonight. (The game is in New England. Also Mr Fontes is flying JetBlue on his own dime ).

On Saturday there is really only one game that matters and that is the New York Jets and Jacksonville. I feel a strong connection with Rex Ryan. The only mistake he made was making it to back to back AFC Championship games early on in his tenure. Getting a franchise like the Jets to a conference title game once a few years into being head coach would guarantee you at least four more years of employment without doing anything. Winning early just places way too much pressure on the coach. I am pulling for Rex this year and I especially like that Sanchez kid. He reminds me a lot of Rodney Peete, throws interceptions and walks over to sideline smiling. Sanchez knows that winning isn't important it's do just enough to keep your job and still being able to go out and have a good time after the game. (Mr. Fontes' link is NSFW and really shouldn't be viewed by anyone)

Well that is it for now the Big Buck will check on Sunday to report on what happened in these games and let you know where I will be heading next.